It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR