good work, detective
man: wait
time: no
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.