I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato