I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
broke down and did it
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping