I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.