Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose