WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
I used to be married, but I’m better now
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.