[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.