Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to