Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*