Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?