Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.