you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
You Might Also Like
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
you have three unread messages
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?