Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
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Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver