And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM