[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.