23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.