Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.