me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.