If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
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You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
We decided to have money instead of children.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
🤯🤯🤯
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.