I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Word!
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*