I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*