Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do