A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
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The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
favorite tropes as memes
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.