cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.