I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy