By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”