I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*