[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”