VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.