*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
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If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?