Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”