2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
You Might Also Like
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Just ordered me some pizza!