Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
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