Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”