4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.