Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not