4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”