Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.