Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?