JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
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if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
The Weeknd is back
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?