@1evilidiot

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

@1evilidiot

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

@1evilidiot

I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

@1evilidiot

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

@1evilidiot

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

@1evilidiot

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

@1evilidiot

I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.

@1evilidiot

We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.

@1evilidiot

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

@1evilidiot

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.