I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
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Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.