@AngieDavisHaha

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

@AngieDavisHaha

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.

@AngieDavisHaha

When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.

@AngieDavisHaha

If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.

@AngieDavisHaha

Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?

@AngieDavisHaha

I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”

@AngieDavisHaha

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

@AngieDavisHaha

I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.

@AngieDavisHaha

When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.

@AngieDavisHaha

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”