@Aspersioncast

There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.

@Aspersioncast

I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.

@Aspersioncast

When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.

@Aspersioncast

What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.

@Aspersioncast

A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.

@Aspersioncast

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

@Aspersioncast

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

@Aspersioncast

I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.

@Aspersioncast

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.