Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.