Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
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Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
your honor my client chooses dare
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
A choir of Spring onions
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve