[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
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You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
this isn’t threatening at all
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
There is no try. There is only give up.