I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!
– how I threaten my kids
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.