Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
[filling out job application]
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.