@JasonNotEvil

Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE

Me: *opens door*

Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka

@JasonNotEvil

Me: 46 and out of shape

Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket

@JasonNotEvil

Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too

@JasonNotEvil

If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads

@JasonNotEvil

dracula: *bites neck*

me: oh, I should probably warn you-

dracula: *dies*

me: i am 50% garlic bread

@JasonNotEvil

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..